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I walked and walked until I was past the Dormens'
farm, which was as far as I'd ever gone away from town in
my whole life, and then I went around a hill I always used
to look at when I was small but had never visited, and I
looked back one last time at the town and felt like part of
my insides had fallen out and been left behind, and I missed
Ark terribly but didn't know if I could ever go back, because
things were in such a mess.
There was smoke drifting over the town near the water-
front, but I couldn't see if it was from Goodwife Filster's
bakery or someone else's place that was burning up. I turned
around and walked on down the road, scuffing my feet in
the dust and kicking rocks and holding my blanket and
wishing I was dead.
I thought of you, Astinus, and Ark, and I was ashamed
because I had promised to do my best to find out if anyone
understood the Cataclysm, but I had done it all wrong and
now I would never get to be a real scribe, much less an
amanuensis. Even worse, I was afraid that because I
couldn't find out the answer to the question, then something
would go wrong someday and no one would know what to
do about it and it would be all my fault.
But even this was not as bad as missing Ark, because Ark
is my father, even if he isn't my real father, because he took
care of me when no one else would, and I knew he would
be upset with me, and I missed him so much that I just
couldn't feel anything at all. I was empty inside and knew I
would be empty forever
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